(Kyle’s house, immediately after school. They are having an early dinner, sans Gerald. Kyle’s plate has hardly been touched, and he has a notebook out on his lap. Kyle is looking down at it. Meanwhile, Sheila is trying to feed Ike.)

Sheila- (Trying to force a spoon down his throat) Ike, you have to eat your Hakkagahaka!

Ike- (Moving away from her) Noooo-no-no-no!

(He swats the spoon away, and it flies onto Kyle’s plate, which causes some sort of meat to move off and land on his lap- or, what should be his lap. It instead lands on the notebook. He jumps up and wipes it off.)

Kyle- (Screaming) Damnit, Ike!

Sheila- Kayla Broflovski!

(Ike, a little stunned, starts crying gently.)

Kyle- (Ashamed) Ike, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.

Sheila- (Gets up and holds Ike) It’s okay, my little bubbe. (To Kyle) What was that for?

Kyle- I’m sorry, it is just that the food hit my notebook and covered up a page number.

Sheila- Kayla Broflovski, a page number for a book report is not reason-

Kyle- It isn’t a book report, mom. I found all the loopholes and illegalities and am going to give dad the exact page numbers he needs to make it really easy. I stayed up until three AM last night doing it.

Sheila- So the Guffuga wasn’t keeping you up with explosive diarrhea and a headache?

Kyle- No, but I needed to get this done before the new week starts. I’m sorry I lied, but this is important.

Sheila- (Sighs, puts Ike back in his chair) Well Kayla, I admire your drive and it will be nice to see someone take action that can work to put an end to this.

Kyle- (Surprised) Oh, you ar-

Sheila- (Angered) But you lied to me, stayed up pass your bedtime, and yelled at your brother. Starting tomorrow, you are grounded for a full week!

Kyle- Aww, that’s not fair!

Sheila- Fairness has nothing to do with it. Get up to your room until we go to the game, no dinner for you.

(Kyle gets up and starts to walk away.)

Kyle- (Under his breath) Better than eating Hakkagahaka…

Sheila- What was that?

Kyle- Nothing.

(He walks away. Sheila’s eyes trail where she last saw him.)

Sheila- (Deadpan) Does she think I’m an idiot?




(The football stadium. The stands on the home team’s side are not that full, many of the casual fans no longer attending games. The first row of stands are full of TV cameras, and beyond that, the vast majority of home attendees are students and their families. The away stands, however, are packed as North Park Miners banners fly to and fro.
Both teams are on the field, practicing. The Cows are generally still not doing well: The players who form the offensive and defensive lines are very undersized, weaker than their male counterparts, and still not interested in the game. The skill position players are in less trouble and have advanced to the point that they aren’t terrible, but at best they are still below average. Heidi, the kicker and Wendy, the quarterback, are the only two players who are able to do anything with some quality. By now, however, at the very least the girls have run enough wind sprints and played enough catch to not look too foolish when practicing.
The weather is cold and windy, much to the sadness of the cheerleaders for both teams whose outfits are not built for conditions such as these.
The North Park players, meanwhile, are not practicing at all. For the most part, they are just staring at the girls and wondering if they really are girls. North Park cheerleaders look over to their South Park counterparts and wonder the same.)

(The radio booth. Two new announcers are there, an older white man and a younger, fatter white man.)

Old Announcer- (Very slowly) Welcome to 900 AM, South Park's Finest Talk Radio station bringing you a live sporting event here in McElroy Memorial Field. The South Park Cows with a record of four and four face the North Park Miners, who come into the game with a record of six and two. Today is also the unveiling of the new Locker Facility for the school after a month and a half of work.

Fat Announcer- (Holds the microphone down, bends over to the old man) You need to quit this, Arch. It takes you longer to speak than it takes-

Old Announcer- (Whispering) -Than it takes you to finish an entire pizza pie, you fat ‘tard?

Fat Announcer- (After a pause)…Asshole. (Into the microphone) The Cows started the season with four wins, a quick start thanks in part to an easy schedule but mostly due to the arm of star quarterback Stan Marsh. However, the entire team was disbanded in accordance with a recent agreement due to a lawsuit, and the new team has lost the last four.

Old Announcers- With Wesley Testaburger at the helm of an entirely new team, the Cows have lost 97-0, 70-0, 56-7, and 38-10. With one game left in the season it all comes down to-

Fat Announcer- (Interrupts, annoyed) –to the team pulling together and pulling out a victory. Let’s go to our sideline reporter, Joey Mac.

(Silence as the fat one takes his headset off.)

Old Announcer- We don’t have a sideline reporter, you numb-

Fat Announcer- I know. I just didn’t want to torture our audience anymore.

(On the field, on the sidelines. The cheerleaders have finished their own admittedly lazy stretching. They are in the same outfits as seen whenever we have seen the South Park cheerleaders- not a good thing. The cheerleaders are: Stan, Craig, Bradley, Jason, Kevin, and Leroy. Remember that order.)

Stan- (Shivering) God damn, it is cold as hell tonight.

Craig- (Annoyed) And these outfits aren’t helping.

Leroy- At least this is the final game.

Bradley- Yeah, I’ve seen enough YouTube videos of us. Who keeps on putting those videos up?

Stan- (Stretches) Yeah, well, this can’t end soon enough.

Kevin- Ha, you have it easier than the rest of us.

Stan- What?

Craig- Yeah. I had a girlfriend before all this in the fifth grade. Now she left me and posted on a forum about it.

Kevin- And because of all the practice, I don’t have time to try out for any other activities.

Stan- Like what activities?

Kevin- (Defensive) Not any of your business.

(Silence.)

Leroy- (Looking down)…My father likes to take pictures of me and tapes them in front of the toilet, and he made a video of me cheering without a shirt on.

(He starts sniffling, then he starts crying. Craig does not like this and slaps him.)

Leroy- (Rubbing his face) T-Thanks…

Jason- Besides Stan, you’re not bad at all this gay-ass dancing stuff.

Stan- Well, maybe because I…uhh…I try?

Craig- Nah, you’ve done something like this before. You were doing too good, too quickly. What do you take?

(Stan looks down, but a whistle is heard, saving him.)

(A few minutes later. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny are in the stands along with their families. Cartman has a multitude of snacks. On the field, the team captains approach for the coin toss.)

Cartman- (Eating loudly) I can’t wait until this gay game is over so I can go back home and have some dinner.

Kyle- But you’re eating enough snacks to fatten yourself for the next ten years, chubby.

Cartman- SHUT UP! (Eats a candy bar) Besides, you’re just upset that I’m not giving you any.

(Kyle rolls his eyes- which catch onto a camera. It is a small digital camera being used by a man with a headset on. He is focused on the coin toss.)

Kyle- Is that…oh, those bastards. I finally found one…(Looks to Sheila, points to the man) Mom, see him? That must be one of the cameraman for the studios.

Sheila- Yes, I know. He also caught you and your friends at the bus stop.

Kyle- (Stunned) Wait…you all KNEW we were being videotaped?

Sheila- Well…yes. That’s why we had to use the names at all times. We knew they were recording everything. (Confused) You didn’t know that we knew?

Kyle-…No, I didn’t.

Sheila- Oh…well, it isn’t a big deal, bubee. (Hurriedly) I’ll be right back, I have to use the ladies room.

(Sheila hurries off.)

Kyle- (Trailing her with his eyes) That bitch…wait, did I-

Cartman- (Smiling) Hey, now we agree on something!

(The middle of the field. Wendy, Rebecca, and Bebe are the team captains. Three captains from the Miners approach as the head referee approaches.)

Referee- (Younger man) Alrighty now, Miners, y’all get to call it.

Miner Offensive Captain- (Young Hispanic boy) Heads.

(The coin is tossed into the air. It lands on tails.)

Referee- ‘Aighty. Cows, you get the call.

Wendy- (Thinking) Uhh…hmm…we’ll receive?

Referee- Okay then. Miners, which side do you want to defend.

Miner Defensive Captain- (Young, large white boy) Wai’ a min, dey sure din’t so’ like foo’ball players. Wha happ’d ta de Marsh fella I ram’d inta da gro’ last year?

Wendy- (Gulps) Uhh, yeah, he is over there(Points to the cheerleaders) and, uhh, I’m here now so…uhh…prepare to get your ass kicked?

Miner Defensive Captain- Hey dere, you be a girl- ya all are!

Referee- (To the other refs) Damnit, every week…

Wendy- (Half hearted) We sure aren’t boy howdy.

Miner Defensive Captain- If’a had kn’n dat, I woulda ask’d for so’ tail instead of he’.

Miner Offensive Captain- But wouldn’t you want head anyway?

Miner Defensive Captain Two- (Small white boy) And they want to receive head too. I think they like you, Jerry!

Bebe- Just shut your fucking mouths!

Referee- (Holds the bridge of his nose) Just stop it already. Miners,
what side?

Miner Offensive Captain- Oh, we’ll defend the west side, I guess.

(The teams start to depart from one another.)

Miner Offensive Captain- (Smiling) Playoffs, here we come!

Defensive Captain- Ov’r un’r on ho’ many times I touch da QB?

Offensive Captain- Goddamn, you’re annoying to listen to, which hurts me because I love you, Jerry.

Defensive Captain- (Laughs) Yeah, an’-(Stops) Wa’, what?

(A few minutes later, the teams are preparing to kickoff. The cheerleaders, in formation are doing what they do best. Kevin and Leroy are still quite terrible. Craig, Bradley, and Jason are doing okay. Stan is the only one able to not suck terribly in terms of formation.)

Cheerleaders-
We aren’t timid, we are strong
So kick those Miners in the barn!
Gooooooooo Cows!

(Announcer’s booth.)

Old Announcer- And the Cows are about to receive the ball.

Fat Announcer- Bevis Stevens is back to receive it, averaging four yards per return. Quite possibly the lowest in the history of Park County Elementary Football, but lets hope he can pull out all the stops in this desperate game.

(The ball is kicked off. Being a game played by kids, the ball doesn’t advance past the thirty. Bebe receives it. However, her blocking has long since vanished: The first line didn’t stop anybody and the second line is swept aside. Three Miners jack her up, but she manages to hold onto the ball- for a microsecond, anyway. The ball comes flying out and one of the Miners picks it up and runs toward the end zone. He reaches the end zone and starts celebrating.)

Stan- (Neglecting his duties a little bit as he watches the game.) A-W-E(Claps)S-O-M-E(Sees the fumble and the return for a touchdown) ah hell(Snaps back) –is what we are, we’re the football superstars! Yeah! (V.O.) Well, another year of football, and another year where I don’t get to go to the playoffs...

Fat Announcer- (Buries his head) Damnit, this is all so familiar…

(Fast forward to near the end of the game. Most of the Cows fans who attended the game have left, and the score reads 42-13. The players look absolutely crushed- not emotionally, but physically. The cheerleaders look tired as well.)

(Radio booth. The two announcers look bored, and the old one is asleep.)

Fat Announcer- (Propping his head up with one hand)…And the Cows recover at the Miner forty-eight yard line, twenty seconds left. (Yawns) A disappointing end-

(The old announcer snores.)

Fat Announcer- (Annoyed)-To the South Park season.

(Near the sidelines, the cheerleaders are still cheering.)

Stan, Craig, Bradley- S-O-U-T-H

Leroy, Kevin, Jason- SOUTH!

SCB- P-A-R-K

LKJ- PARK!

SCB- C-O-W-

Bradley- Z.

Stan- (quickly whispering) S, Bradley.

LKJ- COWS!

All-
SOUTH PARK COWS GOT THE BALL
THE TEAM THAT'S GOT IT ALL!!
SO DIG RIGHT IN and
KICK THAT BALL…
'CAUSE THE SOUTH PARK COWS GOT IT ALL!!!
Gooooooooooo Cows! Yeah!

(They do their cheerleader thing, waving the pom poms and trying to look excited. By now, however, Stan has cemented his plans and is doing it all with a tinge of anger.)

(Back on the field, Wendy and the rest of the offense break the huddle.)
Wendy- Green seventeen!

Defensive Tackle- (To Bebe, he is the Captain) Ey, darlin’, how of’en do ya go on ya back as much as ya have t’night?

Bebe- God, just stop running your mouth! I haven’t ever heard-

Wendy- Green Thirty-One!

Bebe- (Continuing)- Talk as much as you!

Defensive Tackle- (Smiling) Ma’, wha don’t dey just hav’ ya stay on da team? Ya’re alotta fun.

Wend- Green sixty-six! Hut! Hut! Hike!

(She drops back, but three Miners- two Defensive Tackles and one Defensive End- bull through the line and charge her. She tries to roll out to the left, but the End is there. She stumbled back to the right, and the Captain meets her there with a little bit of business. She is crushed and sent to the ground with the Captain laying on her momentarily. Stan sees this, though not too well.)

Stan- (Winces) Ahh, hell, not again. That hurts.

(Time ticks off and the game ends, the last second ticking off to the cheers of the Miners. The team runs off the field as the away section starts cheering. On the home side, the players start milling around in general towards the locker. Stan, however, is moving a bit quicker towards Wendy, who is just getting up. He gets there and bends down on one knee as she pulls herself up and takes off her helmet.)

Stan- Hey, are you feeling okay?

Wendy- (Winces) I hate your sport so very much.

(He helps her up and the two start walking towards the sideline.)

(In the stands, the crowd starts moving towards the parking lot.)

Sheila- (Oblivious) Well, that was a fun game, wasn’t it?

Kyle- Uhh, no? The Cows got their ass kicked and can’t go to the Playoffs.

(Kyle notices that two cameramen are filming the team, laughing and pointing at the team, mocking them. Kyle tries to ignore this- but eventually he becomes enraged. He approaches the first cameraman, a young man in shorts and wearing glasses.)

Kyle- (Incensed) Okay, that’s it!

(He takes the first cameraman’s camera and throws it on the ground, shattering it-)

(Back in the reception van, a light goes off. A technician looks over at it, and after a second, motions to Charlie.)

Technician- Sir, one of our cameras were just broken.

Charlie- How do you know it was broken?

(He points to the second cameraman’s feed-)

(-And Kyle looks at the second cameraman.)

Kyle- (Furious) Okay, what the hell is wrong with you guys?! What is so damn funny about all this, huh?! Is it the privacy invasion, the gender bending, or the fact that the girls just sacrificed their bodies unwillingly because of your douche bag director, producer, executive, whatever-

Cameraman#2- (Small Asian man) Executive Producer.

Kyle- Not important. (Continues his furious yelling) What is it about all this you find so funny? Our lives are hell, and-

(-Back to the van. Charlie and the technicians look at the live feed of Kyle’s angry rant.)

Charlie- (Sighs) Inform the police. I might as well go and talk the cameraman to make sure we don’t have another lawsuit. Why can’t we afford an on-site psychiatrist?

(Back with Kyle, he is still yelling at the two men. He is red faced, his hair is askew, and he is running out of things.)

Kyle- And, I mean, that’s just typical of people like you: Everything is so damned funny if it isn’t you! Well buddy, one day it will be you under examination and-

(Sheila had been walking for a while without knowing Kyle had walked away from her, tired and lost in thought. She heard his yelling but only put two plus two a few seconds later. She came back from whence she came, sees Kyle, and approaches.)

Sheila- (Angry) Kayla, wha-

Kyle- (Looking at her) My name is NOT Kayla, and I don’t want to have you of all people chastise me, you liar!

Sheila- WHAT WHAT WHAT?

(Kyle, not responding, moves past her and down a staircase. The parents, coaches, players, and cheerleaders are huddled together in an area to the left of the stadium. The locker room is about forty feet away, the parking lot fifty. Randy, Sharon, and Shelley crowd around Stan.)

Sharon- You did so well, honey! Your dad caught it all on tape.

Randy- (Fidgeting with the camera, unenthusiastic) Yeah, I sure did.

Sharon- (Whispering) Randy, come on.

Randy- (Rolls his eyes) Come on, this is stupid and you know it.

Sharon- (Angry, low) Randy, private conversation.

(The two walk off. Shelley looks right at Stan.)

Shelley- We better get home soon. My friends want to take you out for the night.

Stan- You have friends?

(She slaps him across the face.)

Shelley- I have plenty of friends, you stupid turd!

(Kyle has moved his way through the crowd and he finds Stan.)

Kyle- (Emphasis) Stan,(Normal) I’m not taking this anymore. I saw those cameraman making fun of the girls and I have a good case against all this. I say we make our stand now.

Stan- Damn, dude. Great minds think alike.

Kyle- What?

Stan- I was just about to say something. (Clears throat, to Shelley) Hey, I’ve got news for you. (He throws the pom poms down) I’m done with this shit. (Loud enough for everyone to hear) We shouldn’t be going through this! It is illegal, immoral, retarded, and I’m sick of it.

(He turns away and starts moving to the locker room.)

Mr. Tweak- (Had been chatting with a referee for no real reason other than advertising his coffee, sees Stan) Where are you going?

Stan- (Loud) I’m going in there and not coming out until my parents say they’ll stop forcing me to live this way.

(He enters the locker room and then slams the door. There is silence.)

Shelley- Ooohhh, Stan’s in trouble now!

Token- (Looking around, then at the locker room) No…Stan is right. I'm not doing this anymore.

(He starts walking to the Locker room. A second later, a few girls start moving towards it. Soon, all the kids are, shouting encouragements to one another. Butters is the last one in as several coaches trail.)

Butters- (Giving everyone the middle finger nervously) Y-you can all go suck m-my fat one.

(He slams the door just as the coaches get there. It is locked just as they try opening it.)

Head Coach- Cows, let us in! This is our damn facility. If you don’t let us in, so help me I’ll kick the whole lot of you off the team!

(A few minutes later, Charlie pulls up to the stadium. All of the parents and coaches are hovering around the three exits to the locker room, hammering the doors in an attempt to get the kids out. Charlie parks his car and steps out, puzzled, with his phone in hand. He starts walking towards the front door.)

Charlie- Do we have any cameras in the locker room?

Technician- (V.O.) Yes. We’re trying to patch into them, we haven’t used them before.

Charlie- We haven’t used them before? Then why the hell did we install them?

Technician- (V.O.) We didn’t have anywhere else to put them.

(As he speaks, he approaches the two cameraman. The one who had his camera destroyed is weeping, and the other man is consoling him.)

Cameraman#2- It is only a camera, Dave.

Dave- (Crying) But he was so m-m-m-m-meeeaaaannn!

Charlie- (Sighs) Dave, shut up. What happened?

Dave- (Crying) I-I-I was fil…fil…woaaaooa…

Cameraman#2- Damn, you’re a puss. (To Charlie) Some kid got his thong in a twist, broke Dave’s camera, and yelled at us.

Charlie- But why, Kes?

Kes- (Shrugs) Because all the kids are douchebags? I don’t know.

(The front door, outside. The offensive line coach is pounding on the door as the adults crowd around.)

O. Coach- (Large white man, bald, angry) Aight, ya’ll open this door and I promise your parents won’t beat your pasty asses.

Sheila- Tim!

O. Coach- (Rolls eyes) I mean, will you please come out?

(Silence.)

Butters- (Muted through the door) No.

O. Coach- (Pounds door) FINE! FUCK YOU!

(He turns around and leaves.)

O. Coach- Ya’ll deal with this bullshit.

Sharon- (Approaches door) Kids, will you please come out?

(Inside the locker room, there is lots of talking. Stan is wandering around, trying to get someone’s attention.)

Stan- (To Bebe) Hey-(She passes) Goddamnit!

(Rebecca approaches, still holding her right arm.)

Rebecca- Stan, did you get the head cheerleader’s uniform?

Stan- Yeah, and I want it off NOW.

Rebecca- Okay, here is the deal: You give me the key to your locker, I’ll give you the key to mine.

Stan- (Itching his back) You’ve got a deal.

(The two head towards their respective lockers. Stan unlocks his locker: It has his female outfit. He hands it to Red. They walk over to Red’s locker and open it, where she takes out her blue shorts and blue t-shirt. Really, really blue.)

Stan- (Sheltering his eyes) I never knew you liked blue so much.

Rebecca- (Rolls her eyes as she walks towards the dressing area) Why is everyone shocked? Is it because my nickname was Red? Racists.

(Stan is puzzled at this, but he moves to towards the dressing area as well. As he enters, he passes Kyle who is near the front door. Kyle looks over quickly, but his attention is focused on the situation in the front.)

(Kyle, Butters, Cartman, and Wendy are standing together near the front door. Another dozen or so kids are also around.)

Sharon- (Through the door) Kids, will you please come out?

Kyle- No, not until you promise us you’ll stop this crap and stand up for OUR rights.

(The kids start cheering.)

Cartman- Yeah, go get ‘em, Jewy.

Butters- Y-Yeah! Get ‘em, Kyle- (To Cartman) J-Jewy?

Cartman- (Pleased) I’m glad you noticed, Butters. I got bored a few days ago so I came up with a song. It starts off, “Jewy Jewy is so chewy”-

Sheila- (Through the door) Kyle, you open up the door this instant!

(Kyle looks nervous- and Wendy can see this.)

Wendy- (Stepping up) IF you can start fighting for us and not your wallets!

(More cheering.)

Token- You show ‘em!

Bebe- (Incensed) If they think we’re giving in, they’re dumber than I thought.

Dana- I believe in you, Wendy.

Cartman- I never thought I’d agree with- Wait, tranny?!

(The kids all stop speaking and slowly turn their heads to the back.)

(Dana is standing there, her pupils wide and her right arm in a sling. She looks around nervously.)

Wendy- Dana? Since when did you get out of the hospital?

Cartman- And how the hell did you get in here? (To Butters, annoyed) I thought someone was on guard duty.

Dana- (Nervous) I-I got out of the hospital earlier today and wanted to see the g-game since I l-l-like football. My p-parents thought I’d be in danger if I sat in the South Park stand-

Cartman- (Angry) Damn right! It’s your damn fault that this is happening!

Butters- Y-Yeah, stupid girl!

Cartman- Boy, Butters.

Butters- Well, I-I don’t know, he has a vagina now.

Cartman- Just shut up already! (Approaching Dana) You stupid asshole, why didn’t you do something about all this?!

Dana- I-I-I was in the-

Cartman- I don’t want to hear it!

(The kids, save for Wendy and Kyle, start advancing on her.)

Wendy- (Pleading) Guys, stop, please! (No one is listening and notices that most of them are football players/cheerleaders) Kyle, get Stan.

(Kyle nods and runs over to the dressing area. There are two stalls. Stan looks and sees the cheerleader outfit falling down into view. Kyle knocks the door open and startles Stan, who is in boxers and has the bright blue shirt on.)

Stan- (Startled, embarrassed, angry) Kyle, what the hell- why didn’t you kno- get out!

Kyle- I didn’t think you’d care. (Concerned) Stan, some are about to beat Dana up!

Stan- (Pulling the blue shorts up) When did she show up?

(Back outside, Charlie approaches Stuart.)

Charlie- What’s going on? Why can’t anyone get these kids out?

Stuart- They’ve locked all the doors and have said they aren’t coming out until we stop punishing them.

Charlie- Well, you better get them out. I have a deal going through to make this a weekly show for three years. If you can’t get them out, the Mayor will.

Stuart- What the hell do you think we’ve been trying to do? We can’t force our way in.

Charlie- (Sighs) When you need something done right, you always turn to the government. (He dials the Mayor’s phone line and waits a few seconds.) Well, except if we’re talking about the FCC, those pricks-
(The Mayor gets on the line.) McDaniels, hello. The children are rebelling and have locked themselves in some sort of facility. If they aren’t out in the next few hours, then I’m sure the lawyers will find out and move ahead with the lawsuit. Get some police down here and open those damn doors. Goodbye.

(He hangs up. As he does this, however, the phone rings again.)

Charlie- Goddamnit, I need to destroy this thing. (Answers) Hello?

Technician- Sir, we’ve patched into the cameras in the locker room. We’re receiving audio, no visual. Want me to patch you through? Patching will only take a few seconds.

Charlie- Do it, but if you say patch again you’re fired and will have to star in hardcore porn for the rest of your life.

(Back in the Locker Room, the kids have cornered Dana.)

Cartman- You evil sonofabitch, this is all your fault!

Butters- Y-Y-You and your fake vagina!

(Stan approaches the crowd with Wendy and Kyle.)

Stan- (Yelling) Team, stop!

(Almost out of habit, all male members of the crowd- which made up all but two members- stop. The two female members stop mostly because everyone else stops.)

Kyle- Thanks, Stan.

Stan- No problem.

(The three move to get in between the crowd and Dana.)

Stan- What the hell is your problem, people?

Cartman- Stan, that little prick is the one who had to be all freakish and start all this!

Kyle- No, she isn't to blame. Listen, I learned something today. What happened to Dana was wrong, but so is what happened to us. She was just trying to be herself and got attacked. We were just trying to be ourselves and were forced to lead different lives.

Stan- Yeah. Whoever came up with this punishment is just as bad as the pranksters as it is the same line of thinking. We all need to learn how to be more accepting of different people, but you can’t force people to change and you can’t punish an entire group of people. It’s just…wrong.

(The kids look at one another and start slowly backing off.)

Token- (Sighs) I guess you’re right, Stan. We can’t be angry at Dana for any reason. The real culprits are the pranksters and, basically, the entire town. I’m sorry, Dana.

(This entire conversation has been overheard by the technicians, which therefore means Charlie has been able to hear it. As he hears this, his face changes to one of shame.)

Charlie- (At the end, looking down, V.O.) Are we really as bad…?(Out loud) James, are we doing a good thing here?

James- (V.O.) My honest opinion, sir?

Charlie- Yes.

James- (V.O.) I think you’re a bastard who took advantage of some young kids.

Charlie- (Pause) Thank you for your brutal honesty. Listen, turn off all cameras and call the Mayor to tell her you did so and tell me when you’re done.

James- (V.O.) Will do.

(Pause.)

Charlie- How is the family, James?

James- (Working) Good. Sammy is in the hospital, though. The bills are piled sky high. Oh, and my dog is dying and needs some specialized medication. Nice that you’ve asked, you never do.

Charlie- (Uninterested) Just tell me when you’re done.

(Pause. Pause. Pause.)

James- Okay, I have informed the Mayor and all the cameras are offline. I think you’re doing the right thing.

Charlie- It is all done?

James- Yes.

Charlie- Good. Now start searching for a new job, prick. Think about what you say before you call me a bastard, asshole.

(He hands up.)

Charlie- (Smiling) I feel like a good person. (To Stuart) Listen, you can tell the kids that you can stop the punishment. I’ve turned all the cameras off.

(Word spreads quickly- from Stuart to Mr. Tweak to Stephen to Randy who passes it to Liane who wonders why he didn’t pass it to Sharon so she does so.)

Liane- (Whispering) Sharon…(whispering)

Sharon- (Receives the message and is annoyed) Why the hell are we whispering about this? (Knocks on the doors) Kids, we promise to stop the punishment because they turned the cameras off.

Stan- (Through the door) You sure? You mean it?

Sharon- Yes. Also, I heard something about roasted eggs, but I left it out because I don’t see how it made any sense. (To herself) I hate hearing something last, I never get the right translation.


(Next day, Mayor’s Office. Gerald and McDaniels are sitting across from one another, a stack of papers on the desk in front of them. Gerald looks incensed.)

Gerald- (Incensed, as has been pointed out) But WHY make that deal? We have an airtight case and I’ve offered to do this for free.

McDaniels- Listen, he offered to purchase the film they already had for twenty million dollars. This town could use that money, and we get a small cut of each rerun of the show.

Gerald- It is too damned illegal to be allowed to get away!

McDaniels- (Rolls her eyes) Listen, all the kids are allowed to go back to their normal lives and we get money. The civil right’s groups settled for five million and the Painter family is pleased. Everyone wins.

Gerald- (Sighs) But not when that show airs and the kids are embarrassed.

McDaniels- Oh, boo-hoo-hoo. These redneck kids never even leave this town, so it won’t matter that the show will air. Besides, a budget surplus means we have more leverage with the Indian Casino in our negotiations.

Gerald- Stop worrying about the bottom line and focus on what matters, McDaniels!

McDaniels- Oh, just shut up and do your job. I need you to finalize all the paperwork. Think you can handle that or should I hire Black?

Gerald- (Annoyed) No, I’ll get it done.(He puts the papers in his briefcase and starts walking to the door) One day, Mayor, your idiocy will cost you.

McDaniels- (Arrogant) Until then, Gerald, worry about you and your family, not me.

(Bus stop, the next day. The boys are in their normal outfits and have had haircuts.)

Kyle- Man, it's nice to get everything back to the way it was.

Cartman- Yeah, now Kenny and I can continue....Kenny, you have the rocks?

(Kenny nods and pulls one out of a pocket.)

Kyle- Why couldn't you do it before?

Cartman- Kenny and I had fake nails on.

Stan- What? I never noticed that.

Cartman- Well, we did. (Smiles) And now that we don't-

Stan- Guys, don't hurt the birds.

Cartman- Oh, whatever, pansy boy.

Kyle- (Rolls eyes) Just shut up, lardass.

Cartman- Yeah, like I'd listen to a Jew.

Kenny- Ah, everything is back to normal. So nic- wait, everything is back to normal?! Oh God no!

(Kenny drops the rocks and starts running, fearful of being killed somehow.)

Stan- (Puzzled) Well, that was...strange.

Kyle- Yeah, strange. (Thinks but smiles) Strange but, hey, normal for us.

Stan- (Smiles) Yeah.

(Cartman looks over in Kenny's direction a few times, then looks back at the rock.)

Cartman- (Picking the rock up) Finders keepers, poor people weepers.

(He throws the rock and it hits a bird.)

Cartman- (Triumphant) Yes! With me around, we will always be safe from the bird flu-

(A rock smacks him in the back of the head.)

Cartman- Ow, what the fuck was that for?!

(He turns around, hoping to see if it was either Stan or Kyle. He can't tell and the two high five each other.)

Cartman- The hell was that for? Rocks are dangerous instruments, and you shouldn't play with them. Now tell me which one of you did it or I'll kick both your asses.(No response) Tell me right now or this time tomorrow there will be Broflovski Brautwurst and Marsh Marshmallows. (No response) Fine, I don't need this! Screw you guys, I'm going home.

(He leaves.)

Kyle- (Happy) Man, that was a good- (No control) OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY!

Stan- (No control) YOU BASTARDS!

(The two look around to no avail.)

Stan- What do you think happened this time?

Kyle- (Shrugs) We'll ask him tomorrow. Probably a car.

(Silence.)

Stan- Want to go sledding?

Kyle- Sure.

(They leave.)